![]() Angelina Jolie, an actress who until now could make sparks fly in a vacuum, is credibly cast as the attitudinal raiderette in question, but the whole of her performance appears encased in some bizarre form of filmic resin try as she might, her bustin'-out-all-over talents and whippoorwills-on-whiskey coo can't save what is essentially one long, jarring Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode waiting to happen. ![]() Two in the head, one in the heart, and make sure that sucker stays down, because right now my greatest fear in life are the words Tomb Raider 2. (As in pirate booty, you.) The game is great fun – the movie ought to be taken out back and shot. In the self-enclosed world of her games, she's forever raiding reliquaries, bull-whipping bad guys, and searching for that ever elusive booty. In short, Lara Croft is the feminine ideal circa age 14. ![]() The Croft character has risen to unparalleled prominence as the gaming industry's first virtual sex symbol, playing as it does to pre- and post-adolescent male sexuality with a punishing combination of big guns and a bigger bosom, skin-tight black shorts, long legs, a snaky, snarky ponytail, and a whiplash smile. For those out of the loop, Tomb Raider follows the adventures of Lara Croft, a British-born, gun-toting heroine in the Indiana Jones-meets-James Bond mold. What I didn't know was how bad, but, lucky you, I'll fill you in so you can instead stay home and monopolize Eidos Interactive's vastly superior and addictive home video game – the source for director Simon West's yawn-inspiring film. Pac Man game until the Tomb Raider screening was over. I knew things were bad when I felt my inner child go out to the lobby to monopolize the Ms.
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